And We're Back!

Success isn't all it is cracked up to be, but homelessness sure is.

After a year long hiatus from modern conveniences like money, food, shelter, blogs, and family, I have decided to resume my passion to teach you amateur eaters about the fine art of food building.  And it truly is an artform, like a Thomas Kinkade alcohol-fueled pastoral still-nude.

While living exclusively out of modern waste receptacles I developed a lot of ideas about how to make common foods (and not quite foods) edible, as well as created some special signature dishes that will not only blow your budget, but also your stomach's dick.

Stay tuned for recipes for barbecued scrambled eggs, hard-boiled ham steaks (and for you raw food enthusiasts; raw biscuits with raw gravy sprinkles).

BBQ SCRAMBLED EGGS

HARD-BOILED HAM STEAKS

RAW BISCUITS WITH RAW GRAVY

Romantic Family Dinner

Yellow Corn Fertility Cake (For One)

My wife sometimes tells me she likes to eat and fuck a lot, but has difficulty getting pregnant due to some unrelated insulin deficiency, so being a good chef and or husband, I thought I would try to kill all her birds with one romantic stone (made of cake).

This recipe will make a much larger cake than pictured, but if you are concerned about portion sizes for some reason, just use what you need and throw the rest away.

Prep time = 9 months

Estimated cost = priceless

• 1 cup flour
• 1 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
• 1/3 cup cornmeal
• 1/4 tablespoon salt
• 9 pounds softened butter
• 1 1/4 cup sugar
• 3 eggs
• 1/2 cup sour cream
• 1 handful prenatal vitamins
• 1/4 cup beer

Just to whet your appetite, here is a picture of my wife.  Get well soon, dear.

In a mixing bowl, cream the butter and sugar together.

Add the eggs, one at a time while blending.

If you don't own any prenatal vitamins, just use whatever pills you can find around the house.

In a large bowl, sift all the dry ingredients together.

Add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients and mix for a while.  To save time and effort, I recommend putting the frosting in the cake batter.

Don't forget the most important pre-pregnancy ingredient.

Beer makes the cake batter more fluffy, and her more pleasant.

Carefully transfer the batter to a nonstick baking pan, one drop at a time.

Even if it takes all day, don't skip this step.  This is a secret the professional bakers don't want you to know about.

Add more lady vitamins, for flavoring, or as a decoration.

Now that is a good looking cake, for a good looking woman.

Put in oven at 315 degrees and bake for 4 hours.

This is starting to look a lot like food.

You will know the cake is almost ready when it bursts into flames.

Protip: don't let your cake fire burn this long.

Still nailed it.

Cream Cheese Wontons

This versatile appetizer is not only a pain in the ass to make, but creates a huge mess.  If you are craving this fried garbage, order some at a restaurant.  I think these normally have crab inside of them, but crab is gross so I made some substitutions.

Prep time = 1 hour

Estimated cost = $1,000.00

Ingredients:

• Wonton wrappers
• 1 gallon canola oil
• 1 cup chicken (coarsely chopped)
• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• 2 cloves garlic (minced)
• 1 jalapeno (minced)
• 1/2 cup green onion (minced)
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2 cups cream cheese (room temperature)
• 2 human teeth

Deseed and mince 1 jalapeno.

Mince some green onion while you are at it.

Dump your cream cheese in a small bowl and set aside.

In a small frying pan, heat up the olive oil and sauté the chicken, garlic, green onion, jalapeno and salt.

While the chicken is cooking, chop it into smaller pieces.  Cook until the chicken looks done and remove from heat.  Let cool.

Add the cooked chicken shit to the cream cheese.

Sprinkle with human teeth.

Mix for about an hour.

Get the wonton wrappers ready.

Place a small amount in the center of the wonton wrapper.

Brush the edges with water.

Fold the wrapper and pinch the edges firmly to seal.

Do this over and over again forever.

In a large pot, heat up a lot of oil and fry wontons with high heat.

Deep fry for a couple minutes or until golden brown and let dry on a rack or paper towel.

Season to taste.

Calm down for a couple minutes before eating.

Bone appetite!

Ramen Sandwich

This legendary recipe is rumored to have originated in prison, so you know it is both unhealthy and delicious.  It is also a very inexpensive meal, so if you are poor and somehow not in prison, this could save/improve your crappy life.  It should be noted that the original secret recipe calls for Maruchan Roast Beef Flavor, but I was unable to find that so I had to substitute for second place Beef Flavor. Other flavors and brands work just as well, they just aren’t as good as Maruchan Roast Beef Flavor.

Prep time = 10 minutes

Estimated cost = less than $1.00

Ingredients:

• Supermarket grade distilled water
• 1 package Maruchan Roast Beef Flavor Noodle Soup
• 2 slices of bread (potato bread is recommended)

Boil 2 cups of water and carefully open one end of the package, taking care not to tear the sides.

Protip: If you accidentally tear the package you can use a comparably sized Ziploc baggie.

Remove the seasoning packet and noodles.

Break the noodles apart into smaller chunks.

Place the noodles back into the package.

Place the package upright and securely into a container.  Make sure the package can’t shift or tip over.

Pour boiling water into the package about a half-inch from the top.

Let the noodles cook for 3 to 4 minutes.

Carefully remove the water from the package.

Pour the seasoning packet into the noodles.

Carefully stir noodles with a fork to ensure equal flavor distribution.  Make sure you dig deep into the corners.  Leave no noodle unseasoned.

Mold the package into a square shape by folding it in half.

You can even place something heavy on top of the package if you think that helps your chances.  Let rest for about five minutes or longer (this is crucial to form a solid noodle patty).

Carefully remove super tight noodle patty from package.

Place gently onto bread.

If desired, season to your liking.  I recommend Sriracha hot sauce.

Cram it home as slowly as possible.